What do you do when someone says goodbye to you? You didn’t have choice in the matter, you can’t change their mind, you can see in their eyes that they are done. I don’t really know what I am feeling at this moment. Tossed aside? Perhaps. But more than anything, worthless, I wasn’t worth the effort.
I stood by this person through thick and thin. I was always there whenever they needed me. I still would be there. But when I am going through the hardest part of my life so far, being unemployed, having to downsize and move in with roommates, emotional turmoil, feeling unwanted already. He tells me he can’t be my friend anymore, that he’s too tired of dealing with my emotions.
Knowing what I’ve always feared, that having any kind of emotion visible to guys, automatically means I am too much work to be with…its the kind of emotional pain that is debilitating, it hurts so deep that it takes my breath away. That fear that I’ll never be loved by anyone feels so real right now. I am so alone in life.
Don’t get me wrong, I have the most amazing girlfriends. They are so supportive, and make my life of much more full. But I want so badly to be cherished by a man. And right now, it seems so impossible.
At this point all I know, is that I feel completely abandoned by you. I didn’t do this to myself, I never showed up at your house in the middle of the night. But you did, you showed up my place in the middle of the night many times. Climbed the gate around my community and knocked until I let you in. I regret letting you in. Not just into my apartment, but into my life. You came in, fucked things up, made me feel things for you, just for you to pull the rug out from under me. And now you’re gone. Knowing that you only found the confidence to leave me because you’ve found some other girl, is the worst part. Total rejection. You weren’t even man enough to tell me it was over, you just strung me along until I was able to piece things together.
I am overshadowed by everything I am not. I am not exciting enough, I am not short enough, I am not thin enough, I am not sexy enough, I am not shallow enough of a person. If I was any of these things, maybe then I’d be worth the fight.
I can’t imagine a time where I won’t feel betrayed or hurt by you.
Each day feels so long, I sleep in hoping to kill hours where my mind won’t be occupied by the memory of your last words to me. But it doesn’t work. I still hear you telling me that you’re tired of me. And then the tears come. Knowing ultimately you will always be the guy that spit on me, and that you’re not worthy of my affections. Yet I’m still broken by all that you’ve done.
Ultimately I’m better off without you in my life. And likewise, me in yours. But in this moment, it doesn’t feel like that, it feels so empty, so alone, so worthless. So hopeless. I want more than anything to sleep for a while, then to wake up and be in a new job, new apartment, new place in my life. Where you and this part of my life are just a memory.